Have you ever wanted something so badly that it was all you could think about? Had a desire in your heart that literally drove you to do everything in your power in order to attain that one thing?
I think back to my childhood when I was so excited about Christmas morning. I remember waiting at the top of the stairs with my brothers, shoving the other out of the way so we could be first one down to see the glorious gifts of Christmas morning. Did Santa bring me that Easy-Bake oven and kitchen set?? Would I find that bright pink bike under the tree with the hideous tassels and annoying bells? (I offer this late apology to my parents and the entire neighborhood that endured that phase of my life.) Now, in my naive 7-year-old mind, I had the power to make these things appear. I could be on my very best behavior and be extra nice to my brothers. I was the best sharer there was from about mid-October to December in sheer anticipation of Christmas morning. (Side note: I’ve always had an irrational love for Christmas, and it’s basically all I think about for those three months of the year.)
Then, in my later years, there was always that boy that I just HAD to date, fall in love with, and marry. I put on my cutest clothes and made sure my hair was perfect each morning in effort to look stunning for my second period science class where that hott baseball player was. Of course, I probably never talked to him, but in my mind, we were making progress each day. I was what you would call “boy-crazy” from middle school through college until I met my husband. I’m still boy-crazy today, but only about one man 😉 ((Shameless sappy plug)).
But, never in my life have I had a desire stronger than what I’m experiencing right now. About two years ago, I started getting baby fever. I hoped so badly that my husband was on the same page as I was, so naturally I tried to take control of the situation and did everything in my power to get him there. I showed him all of our friends’ adorable chubby babies and made sure to point out the baby Toms shoes in the store. I made comments about how cute our kids would be and how we would probably be outstanding parents. It did take some time, but by last winter we were both on the same page.
Once again, Queen Naive here thought I could get pregnant after the first month. After that disappointment, I thought surely it would happen the next month or even the month after that. I got really good at telling myself I was pregnant each month, only to find out that I wasn’t. Finally in July, I became pregnant. I had already planned out how we were going to tell our families and when the baby was due and how that fit perfectly with my teaching schedule. Then, it happened. I was absolutely devastated to find out that I had miscarried.
I’ll spare you the rest of the details of our long and difficult journey of infertility and focus on what I’ve learned from this experience. I’ve learned that there is NOTHING I can do to control this situation. Yes, I can use a calendar to track my cycle, I can do the temperature thing, I can forego caffeine, and I can be intimate with my husband on the “right days”. I’ve done all those things and more. And I will continue to do those things. But what I’ve learned is that only the Lord can give me the desires of my heart and bless us with a baby. He is sovereign and faithful, and I know that He is preparing my heart for something bigger than I can imagine. He is using this time to draw me nearer to himself and teach me that his plan is much greater than mine.
Through lots of tears, mild depression, and angry thoughts I have learned that this is a sweet time in which I can depend on no one but the Lord himself. Has it been easy? Very far from it. Have I remained positive and patient the entire time? I wish I could say that I have. I’ve had really hard days where I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve have days where I thought the Lord had forgotten me or that he was being mean to me. I’ve had days where I wanted to just give up and not have children of my own. But ultimately, I’m drawn back to the ultimate truth which is that He is sovereign and faithful, and he will give us the desires of our hearts. It may not fit my perfect schedule or life plan, but I can have confidence knowing that His plan far exceeds mine, and my time is coming.
So, my encouragement to you ladies, whether you are in the midst of a waiting period or are experiencing something difficult, wait on the Lord. “Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” (Deuteronomy 7:9) He is God! We can rejoice and be confident in His covenant to us. “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Praise the Lord that we can have this hope! I pray that you are encouraged by these truths and remember that He is faithful and sovereign in all things.
♥-Beth