If you’ve ever been to Opryland Hotel around Christmas time, you’ll understand my ridiculous love affair with this beautiful masterpiece. Or maybe you hate it as much as my husband does. Either way, you’ll enjoy this story.
So, I had been begging Brandon to take me to Opryland for a few weeks, and we finally decided to go the day after Christmas. We had never been to the ICE exhibit before, so of course we had to try it out. I learned several things from this experience.
1. My body was not made for 9 degree temperatures.
2. You will need 6 pair of gloves, because two isn’t enough.
3. Don’t touch the colored ice; it will stain your gloves.
4. The ice slide can be dangerous.
Let’s focus on #4 for a moment. If you haven’t been there before, they have a giant slide made completely of ice. There are two levels of height- one shorter than the other. Naturally, we went for the big one. Go big or go home, right? After waiting in line and making some friends, it was finally our turn.
Now, let me explain the process. There is a worker there to help fold your parka up so that the inside is actually facing out. Apparently, it helps you slide faster. (I found this to be very true.) I wanted Brandon to go first incase it wasn’t safe. So, I watched as the poor girl tried to help him with his jacket and died laughing at the amount of struggle he was facing. When he finally sat down, it was the most ungraceful event I’ve ever witnessed. I’m pretty sure he probably still has a bruise on his rear from that flop.
When I regained my composure, I noticed that he did not seem to be sitting normally. I didn’t think much of it until he started going down the slide. Wow, was that ever awkward. Picture a penguin waddling with their legs together, sideways. And not really moving. If I could pay $1,000 for that video, I so would. Words simply cannot do this story justice. I died laughing from the top of the slide as he struggled to make it down at less than 1 mph.
Then it was my turn. Since I’m a good listener and rule-follower, I allowed the girl to fix my parka the correct way before sitting down. And yes, it worked. I flew down the slide and screamed the entire way. Now let me pause here and explain something. When it comes to slides and fun childish things, I turn into a giddy three year old who wants their parents to praise their every move. So when I got to the bottom, I looked all around me with sheer anticipation of the smile that would be on Brandon’s face and, of course, to see if he got the video. I was so excited for two reasons: 1. I slid faster than him, and 2. I slid way faster than him. I looked all around, but to my disappointment, he was nowhere to be found.
Finally, I spotted him standing in the corner hiding behind a short wall. I walked over to him with a huge grin on my face and asked if he saw how fast I slid and if he got the video. The look on his face was priceless. I could tell something was wrong, but I did not want to ruin my ecstatic high.
“I ripped my pants,” he said quietly.
“You what? How does that even happen?”
“I don’t know, but they ripped as soon as I sat down, and I’m pretty sure all these kids saw my goods!”
To be completely honest, I really don’t think that I breathed for the next seven minutes. I was laughing SO HARD that I couldn’t even walk out of the slide area. I know he was embarrassed, and I tried to help as much as I could. But I literally could not stop laughing, which probably made him even madder.
He walked the rest of the day through Opryland with a giant hole in the crotch of his pants. You’re welcome for the free show, Nashville.