When referring to my journey to motherhood, people often ask, “Would you change it?” Would I take away the two long, agonizing years waiting for those little blue lines on a stick? Would I choose to get pregnant immediately when we started trying? Would I change those two miscarriages into two precious lives? Would I choose to skip the endless nights of pain and tears and cries out to the Lord for an end?
A little part of me has wondered what my life would be like had we gotten pregnant in 2014. If I could have written my story, it would go something like this: Get pregnant Feb 2014, deliver first baby November 2014. Yay, a precious baby girl! Wait about 15 months, get pregnant again, deliver second baby BOY in Nov 2016. Decide if we’re done or not. If not, then have third baby in 2018. Perfect little family with kids all about 2 years apart. Bingo!
So, would I pick the way I wanted my story written or would I pick the story God has written so far?
It would certainly have been more comfortable to avoid two years of torture and agony. I imagine it would likely be easier to figure out motherhood with one baby rather than three at once. We probably wouldn’t receive near as many stares and comments when we’re out in public. But still, I’d choose the constant chaos every second of every day because there is so. much. joy. in every moment with these little rascals.
Not only would I choose my story because it got me three beautiful babies, but I’d also still choose every second of agony because it changed who I am. I learned so much through the pain and tears. I gained so many sweet friends and relationships through the journey. I gained an indescribable love for my husband who stood by my side every step of the way, came to every single doctor appointment, encouraged me with words of wisdom every time I broke down, and was my rock throughout the entire journey. I gained a more intimate relationship with the Lord as I clung to Him and his sovereignty just trusting that he had a perfect plan for us. (And, boy, did he ever!) It made me stronger and more compassionate. It gave me perspective. It made me who I am today.
Now, would I turn each miscarriage into life? This question is difficult to even conceive. The gut-wrenching pain of losing a baby is still so real. The devastation. The heartbreak. Would I love to have my two precious angels in my arms? ABSOLUTELY. But that would also mean that I wouldn’t have my EllieBug, my sweet Pressley Grace, or my little Abigail. I can rest confidently in the fact that my angel babies are with Jesus right now and I will see them again one day. I can rest confidently knowing that Jesus chose this for me instead, and it is so much better.
Going through a miscarriage is not something I would ever choose or wish on anyone. But there is something truly sweet about how it changes you. I remember the night we found out we had lost our second baby, Brandon suggested we go to WholeFoods for dinner because he knew I didn’t feel like cooking. I honestly didn’t even feel like eating, but…you know…men. We each got a plate of food and sat outside on the patio. I maybe took two bites the entire evening through the tears. But that is still one of the sweetest nights we have ever experienced together. We talked some, cried a lot, and grew closer than we ever had been. We were vulnerable together and it was so special. We talked about getting a small tattoo of baby footprints to be a reminder of our sweet angels and God’s love for us and them.
I LOVE my girls, and I LOVE having triplets. But I would never have chosen this for myself. I actually cringed several years ago when our good friends told us they were having twins because “Wow, that sounds so hard.” (HA…HA…) I cannot express to you how thankful I am that God is sovereign and that HE wrote my story. He wrote our story 10,000 times better than I could have imagined, and, no, I would not change one single second of my journey to motherhood.
Read more about my journey through infertility here. If you are currently walking through this difficult period, find some encouraging resources here that helped give me hope and peace throughout my journey.